Tuesday TRUTH: Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe- Lie #2

The image to the left was a mobile upload I posted last year, with this caption:

"Up early this morning, sipping coffee, reflecting on God's faithfulness, feeling BLESSED and singing Kum Ba Yah about how much I love being a mom. Rounded the corner and saw this on the stairs. Yes, motherhood is being thankful for this!! And I am!! #keepinitreal"

I thought of it when I got to this week's "truth." As I mentioned last week, I'm going to spend the next few Tuesdays "tackling truth" by reposting a series I wrote a few years ago based on Todd Wilson's book, Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe. Why, oh why, do I continue to lapse into believing lies, even when I've reminded myself of the truth repeatedly? Since I need it, I'm posting a refresher!

So, here is Lie #2. See if you can relate!

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What would you do if your doorbell rang right now? (Go have one of your kids ring it, just for effect...) What if one of your kids looked out the front window and said, "Hey Mom, Mrs. So-and-so just pulled up in front of our house!" (Have one of them do this right now, just for kicks...)
OR- what if I called you from my car and said I was in the neighborhood and I'd be stopping by in the next 5 minutes, because I have this great book I wanted to drop off for you to take a look at. Don't worry, I'm just popping in for a second! See you in a few!

Did your chest get a little tighter just thinking about it? Did your eyes just dart around the room noticing the piles? Did your mind's eye just venture to the entryway, leading into the living room and visualize what a visitor would see... and cringe?

If you're like me, you'd dash around the house while calling out commands to the kids:

"Pick your stuff up off of the stairs!"
"Quick, put the dogs outside!"
"WHO left this on the couch??"
"Someone go make sure the downstairs toilet is flushed!"
"Oh, my GOSH, look at the living room floor!"
"Hoist the mainstay!"
"Swap the poopdeck!"
"This isn't a museum, people, let's MOVE!" (:::channeling "E.R."::::)

And why is that? Because, you may believe...

Lie #2: Everyone Else's House is Cleaner Than Yours

Why do we think that? We've been to friends' houses and to us, it looks perfect. Or maybe it was perfect. Nevermind that she was still breathing hard when you got there, from hurriedly getting it cleaned up before you arrived...

I remember a couple of years ago my dear father-in-law stopped by for a visit. He was sitting in our living room enjoying a nice glass of iced tea, contentedly looking around. Finally he said, "Cyndi, you have such a nice home. It is really beautiful." I was in the midst of smiling modestly and graciously when my sweet son piped up and said, "You should have seen her when you called and said you were coming! She said, 'Kids! Quick! Clean up the house! Grandpa's coming!' She was freaking out! "

:::sigh:::

The truth is, we live in a home... with kids. Not only that, but our kids go to school here as well. When I first started homeschooling, I thought about how when I had taught public school, we all left the building by 4:00-ish and then the cleaning staff came. The next morning the restrooms were alway nice, fresh-smelling and scrubbed. My boards were clean, the trashcans were empty, the cafeteria tables and kitchen were clean and ready. The hallways were shiny and polished each morning. How does this happen in schools across America? Besides the fact that there's a whole separate STAFF assigned to that job, it happens because for a few hours every single day, everyone vacates the premises and the staff restores things to their original, upright positions. While the kids are creating disorder in another environment (home) the environment in which they created disorder all day (school) is being set back in order! But for homeschoolers, it all happens here. And it doesn't have to look like it doesn't.

I don't know about you, but I don't have a cleaning staff. We don't leave while the cleaning staff sets things back in order. We are here creating the messes, and then somewhere built into our life we set about cleaning up the messes. There's almost never a time in our day-to-day life when it's all done and perfect. We are always somewhere in the creating messes-cleaning up cycle when the doorbell rings. We just are. And so are you. So are all of us.

Awhile back my daughter said, "Mom, I'm so glad we don't have the kind of house where there are certain towels we can't use." I knew what she meant- guest towels. We certainly don't have any of those! But in my mind I thought, "Oh, honey, there certainly are towels you shouldn't use! If it's so stiff and dirty you can't dry your hands on it... don't use it!" (Sometimes we forget to change out the towels in the downstairs half-bath. Ick.) But I loved what she was saying... that she's comfortable. And that's what I want for my kids. I don't know anyone who grew up in a perfect, neat-as-a-pin-all-the-time house and really has fond memories of it. Or really has fond memories of their mother! I want my kids to enjoy living here, feel comfortable in our home, and enjoy their mom in the process. I've been looking for balance in this area for years, because having the perfectly set-in-order house can become an area of bondage for me if I let it.

SO, if you are reading this completely aware of the messes in your house, but picturing mine being serene, orderly, perfectly-decorated and smelling like Pine-sol, stop believing the lie! And if you are sitting there serenely, in your orderly house which does smell like Pine-sol, enjoy it. It may not last long... ;)

Tuesday TRUTH: Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe- Lie #1

I'd like to get back to more regular blogging. I miss it! In thinking through the various "blog memes" out there (those are good "writing prompts" for me) I wasn't sure I could do the "Tackle it Tuesday" one. Maybe someday. But for a homeschooling mom, every day is "Tackle It" day and I'm patting myself on the back if we get all the vocabulary done, muchless whether I organized the linen closet. So, I decided to do my own "Truth Tuesdays" for awhile. TRUTH. And what better place to start than tackling the LIES?

I originally posted this series in January 2007, but it is just as true today. The lies have not changed. As my kids have gotten older and started graduating, I am finding the lies are still there, just repackaged and upgraded into version Lie.10.5.1 and recommended for me to download. Um, NO!

So, here we go again. Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe. Let's take hold of some TRUTH today!

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Has it really been a week since I posted on this blog? My, how time flies. All week I've wanted to write about what's been on my heart for the past few months. Back in August, I stumbled upon Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe, by Todd Wilson, a homeschooling Dad. This book did for me what Nancy Leigh DeMoss's book, Lies Women Believe did. It revealed some erroneous thoughts (which are actually lies that I had begun to believe over the years, maybe not even consciously) which had become beliefs and were shaping the way I felt and acted. I highly recommend both of these books, and am thinking of buying a bunch of Wilson's books to give some of my homeschooling friends this year for their birthdays. It has been so freeing to recognize some of these thoughts as "lies" and "take them captive" to Christ.

I thought I would start the new year by writing a post each week about one of the lies that he highlights in his book, and posting my thoughts about that particular lie. He has some excellent insights in the book, and as a former pastor and a writer, his thoughts and writing are much more eloquent than mine, so I in no way intend to replicate the book here on my lil' ole blog. But, I thought it would be good for those who read here (me incuded!) to think through each of the lies. I'd also love to know what you think!

Lie #1: Everyone else’s kids are better than yours.

I know I have struggled with this particular lie before. How about you? I’ll be rocking along in my school year, thinking we’re doing pretty well, until I sit at gymnastics with another homeschool mom. We make casual conversation and she tells me how their school year’s going and what her kids are learning. Her toddler is sitting beside her, eating a healthy snack of carrots and water while playing with math flashcards. She just dropped another child off at strings ensemble. Her older child is nearby on his laptop writing a paper on the latest classic novel he’s read. Instantly, I’m dead in the water. “I haven't taught my kids that.” “My child can’t play that instrument.” “My kids could never learn that language.” “We haven’t fed the homeless yet this week, either!” Ack!!

Ironically, as you are reading this thinking to yourself, “Yeah, I’ve met her… I’ve felt that way before… Whew! I could never be that mom. My kids could never be those kids,” chances are, in someone else’s eyes, your family IS that family! Isn’t that funny how that works? I think on some level we are always looking sideways at each other, imagining that each other’s kids are somehow “better” than our own.

The fact is, the perfect kids don’t exist, in anyone’s home. Each marriage is composed of two sinners, and the number of kids they have is the number of sinners in their homeschool each day. Period. We are all struggling, we are all imperfect. On any given day, we are comparing our known worst (because we live with ourselves and our children and we KNOW what goes on) to their perceived best (because we can only perceive momentarily, then our tendency is to project the perfect “snapshot” we saw at that moment into what must be every minute of every day at their house.) It’s just not the truth. And we are to think on truth.

So, first of all we must confront that particular lie with the truth: no family is perfect.

But, that doesn’t get to the heart of the lie in my opinion. So what if we know that everyone else’s kids are NOT better than ours. What if everyone else’s kids were functioning at exactly the same level, or even lower, as your kids? What if they had the same number, or fewer, talents? What if they [gasp!] weren’t as cute as your kids, either? Would that make you feel better? Then, you’ve still got a problem. The problem is… comparison. The truth is, their kids, and yours and mine, are exactly the kids that God created them to be. No more, no less. No amount of what I do at home makes my kids any more than God created them to be. We are not powerful enough to diminish them into less than God means them to be, either, for that matter. We are to nurture them according to their particular, God-given “bent.” To think that other kids are “better,” or that if I just worked harder my kids could be “better” is to foster the lie that I have that much power, or to believe the lie that it reflects on me instead of Him. Besides, better at what? Better than whom? What is better? And who measures “better” anyway?? If my kid was standing there speaking French and her kid was picking his nose, would that make me feel better? Can you say… “pride?”

I’m wondering if part of our comparison is a product of growing up in traditional school, where there seems to be constant comparison. Maybe if enough generations are free from such a system, the mindset of constant comparison will diminish. I don’t know.

If we need to believe that they are imperfect in order to feel better about ourselves and our own children, we have still not dealt with the comparison issue, we’ve simply reduced the gap to something we can live with. But the root of the lie is still there: that the condition of someone else’s family has some degree of bearing on the standing of my family. That’s simply not true. For example, I sent out some nice Christmas cards this year, a nice family portrait with a nice border. I was pleased with them, and I sent them. The same week, I received two cards from two of my crafty friends who had handmade their cards with the embossed ink, beautiful ribbons and gorgeous cardstock. Did that diminish what I had sent? Not at all. I could’ve instantly wished I would’ve created handmade cards and been ashamed of my 1-hour Walmart photo cards, but what a wasted emotion that would’ve been. And if their cards somehow motivate me to spend hours next year stamping and heat-drying cards for hours and hours when that’s not even something I enjoy or have a talent for, then there’s wasted time and energy involved as well. The time they spent doing that, I was doing something else.

God gave your children to you, not me. He gave my children to me, not you. They have exactly the mom, family, home, and homeschool teacher they were divinely meant to have. What’s “better” is to be free from comparison at all, on any level. At best it encourages insecurity and at worst it fosters pride. I’m not sure it will be possible to be completely free from it as long as we live on this planet in our fallen human skin and in our current comparison-driven culture, but it should be our goal. We should compare ourselves with Christ, see the gap, and work our whole lives in the power of the Holy Spirit to close that gap until we see Jesus face-to-face in our finally-perfected faith. The same goes for our kids.

If we would all do a little less looking side-to-side and spend more time looking up, we wouldn’t need to worry about who’s “better” at all. How we stand before others is NOT what matters. How we stand before Christ does. We are who He says we are, by His grace.

So, keep looking up... and don't believe the lie!

Next week, we'll confront Lie #2. Until then, I'd love to know your thoughts...

Lie # 7

**This is the seventh post in a series that I have been writing from the book Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe, by Todd Wilson. (If you haven't read my other posts on the topic, you can find them by clicking on the link in the label at the end of this post.) **


That's what I love about this blog. I can start a series of posts, leave off, and pick up the series a year later! If you are a serious blogger you probably can't imagine doing that. (If you are a homeschool mom, you probably can. ;)

It's March 6th. Finally! It's March! Did you make it through the "February Freakout?" Do you typically have a FF? I do. Every year in February I have that "WHAT am I DOING??" feeling. The momentum of fall is gone. The Christmas rush is over. There are no more holidays in sight until spring break or Easter. Some of the curriculum I *loved* last summer and eagerly started last fall is staring at us, no longer fun and new. The books have creases and pages are torn out. Some of the things I thought my kids would get a kick out of got an "eh" and a shrug. Several of the plans I made in my August back-to-school-coffee-fueled-plan-a-thon were too much trouble to actually put into practice. My clothes are no longer cute. The weather doesn't know if it wants to be cold or warm (where we live) but my legs attest to the fact that it is NOT time for capris pants.

If you don't do this in February, chances are you feel this way at some point (or at many points!) in your schoolyear. It's in seasons like this that you run into.... her.

You've seen her. The "perky homeschooler."

She's perpetually dressed cute, or even worse, looks cute in *whatever* she wears. She's always in a good mood. She's excited about what she and her kids are doing in school. Moreover-- her kids are excited about it! You usually run into her when they've just come from one fabulously enriching activity and they're on their way home to write about it in their Enrichment Journals. She loves all of her curriculum and wouldn't change a thing. Just being around her makes you feel extremely guilty about your own feelings about homeschooling at the moment. Why? Because you've bought...

Lie #7: Every other mom loves homeschooling her kids.

Most of the moms I know like homeschooling most of the time. In fact, the majority of them love it (in theory) the majority of the time. But the truth is, in practice, many of us don't LOVE it each and every day. Some of us love the results of it, but not the everyday-ness of it. And... that's okay! It's hard work!

If you look at what you do that's really good for you, it's not always easy. Taking vitamins, for instance. The mediocre vitamins I get at Wal Mart that are good-but-not-that good for me are a pleasant color and not that hard to swallow. The vitamins I get from my vitamin store that are the bestest-vitamins-in-the-universe are huge, green horse pills. Which do you think I *like* taking? Which do you think actually make me feel better and more energetic?

Exercise, eating certain healthy foods, certain spiritual disciplines, ministry tasks, motherhood... most things that are best are hard! Most moms I know who are homeschooling are doing it because for whatever reason they (along with their husbands) have decided it is best for their children. But it is hard! And things that are hard are usually not The Most Fun Everyday.

I am motivated by a deep love for my kids and a commitment to do what's best for them. My husband and I have decided that homeschooling is best. (Yes, through high school!) I LOVE knowing that I'm doing what I know God has called me to do. Do I always love doing it? No. I *love* what homeschooling is. On most days I *like* what it involves. But, I *live* the reality of each day, relying on God's power and not my own energy or emotion. In fact, on the days I don't really "love" it, it's more of an offering to God and I find I'm more reliant on Him. If I love Him with all my heart, soul, and mind, and homeschool as though working for God and not man... it doesn't matter if I love it all the time.

Not loving homeschooling for a season is not the reason not to do it...Not loving it is not a sign you're not good at it...Not loving it does not make you "less" of a homeschooler than your perky friend...Not loving it gives you an opportunity to lean more on Him, and gives Him an opportunity to work His character into you as you persevere...Not loving it brings an opportunity to make necessary changes...Not loving it is okay, and it is normal.

I'll close with a quote from Wilson's book. "The things that are the easiest are usually not very good for you, but those things that take blood, sweat and tears are worth everything. So take heart. Homeschooling must be really, really good because it's really, really hard."

Everyone (even Perky Mom) has those "not-lovin'-it" seasons. Don't believe the lie!

Lie #6

**This is the sixth post in a series that I have been writing from the book Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe, by Todd Wilson. (If you haven't read my other posts on the topic, you can find them by clicking on the link in the label at the end of this post.) **



SO... what did you and your husband do for Valentine's Day this month? How did you spend your last anniversary? What did you do on your last date night? If you are sighing dreamily, drifting away mentally to the wonderful, romantic, out-of-this world experience you had with your husband who you just hung up the phone with after a rousing round of "No, you hang up first! :::giggle:::"... then you can stop reading right now. If you had to stop and think of how you spent Valentines Day (even though it was just a couple of weeks ago), you can't remember the last "date night" you had, or on your last anniversary you high-fived each other for hanging in there another year... keep reading!

We see them everywhere. Husbands and wives who have stars in their eyes when they look at each other, whisper to each other at dinner parties and hold hands at the mall. We've all heard the speaker at women's conferences talk about how she knows (and speaks!) all her husband's love languages, cooks him candlelight dinners, and leaves notes in his briefcase. Her husband, no doubt, sits at the city gate and extols her and her children rise up and call her blessed. Meanwhile, your own husband left his socks in the floor again, worked late three nights the previous week and didn't notice that you completely changed the color of your hair three weeks ago. It's so easy to get "ho-hum" about your own marriage, while imagining the marital bliss that all of your friends experience daily. That's because so many women buy into...

Lie#6: Everyone's Marriage is Better than Yours

The truth is, marriage is hard work. Everyone's marriage is hard work! It's okay for it to be hard work. As the saying goes, "anything worth having is worth working for," right? And the truth is, everyone's marriage goes through times when it's a struggle, and times when it's blissful (and all stages in between!) It's usually when we are in our times of difficulty that we most notice those for whom it seems so "perfect." I think it just seems perfect for them because we are seeing them through the lense of our own discontent. The funny thing is, they probably look at you and think you have the perfect marriage. Isn't it neat how that works? (So the truth is... you do have the perfect marriage- in other people's eyes!) The real truth is that you are in the marriage that God ordained for you. Every marriage is made up of a couple of sinners, so it's bound to be not-so-perfect at times.

The best thing I ever did was let my husband off the hook. He is now no longer responsible for my personal happiness. Ta-da! That was a momentous occasion, whether he even realized I did it or not. Church bells should have been ringing throughout the land that day. For so long, my happiness depended on him in so many ways, whether I was consciously aware of it or not. He has been liberated! At around the same time, I also became liberated... I quit the job of being my husband's Holy Spirit. As sure as I was that he needed me to help him drive (and marveled that he got anywhere when I wasn't with him, without rear-ending anyone or being told when to change lanes, bless his heart) I was also convinced that his spiritual growth somehow depended on me. Boy. was that. exhausting. (For me, too!) His relationship with God is just that. His. He may not relate to God the same way I do, and God may not "speak" to him the same way He does to me. (I also recently came to the conclusion that "leading family worship"-or lack thereof- doesn't reflect on my husband's spirituality. That's a biggie in homeschooling circles, I've found. But I think that's another post for another day.)

The best thing we can do is let our spouses off of the hook for our own happiness and well-being, depending on God instead. He is more than ready for the task. The other best thing we can do is to take our eyes off of the marriages around us and focus instead on the wonderful mate that God has so graciously given us. He gives us good things, not a snake or a stone. He loves you and knew just what He was doing.

Don't believe the lie!

Lie #5

**This is the fifth post in a series that I have been writing from the book Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe, by Todd Wilson. (If you haven't read my other posts on the topic, you can find them by clicking on the link in the label at the end of this post.) **


"I just don't know how you do it all!"

If I had a nickel for every time someone has said this to me, I'd have enough money to buy next year's curriculum. I could double that amount of money if had a nickel for each time I respond, "I don't!"

When my kids were toddlers and preschoolers, I told my husband the following: "If you ever come home from work to a perfectly clean house, with dinner on the table and see me looking fabulous then you'll know I didn't spend any time with the kids that day." Well, he got the point. Not that he needed to get it, really. He knew, and he didn't care if the house (or his wife) was perfect.

I had made quite a journey to get to that point, though. I wanted the house to stay clean (or at least "together" enough for someone to drop by and maybe even wonder to herself about what a great house I had!). I wanted to look like the moms on the magazines or commercials who were playing with their kids or cooking while in coordinated, stylish outfits (and skinny!). I wanted the spiritual insight of Beth Moore, the mothering instinct of Elisa Morgan, the educational acumen of Charlotte Mason and Susan Wise Bauer, and the decor and cooking of Martha Stewart (or at least her staff!). It's what my family deserved.

Right?

Why did I want that? Why did I think I could DO that? Because in my mind I was convinced that other women had. I had subconsiously believed...

Lie #5: Everyone else can do it all.

I had to realize that in order to be all that, I would have to be able to do it all. All of it. Whatever "it" is. The "it" that makes perfect meals, organizes a beautiful home, and always looks cute. "It" would be the time it takes to always be studying the Bible while simultaneously providing enriching and age-appropriate activities for small children. The "it" that keeps you in shape and always looking great for your husband. (Oh, and in the midst of "it," did you know you could be earning hundreds of dollars from home each month? Wouldn't you like that?) You know, IT! Lots of women do it all, why couldn't I??? First of all, I had to realize that (and here's the biggie) they don't. No one does. The Bible itself says, "No one can serve two masters." Or three. Or ten.

I think the power of knowing that no one else can do it all is that it releases me from trying to. There are certain things that I know that others have done that I don't have a desire to do; like climb Mt. Everest. Drive a race car. Run a marathon. Catch a boa constrictor. I'm impressed that they do it, but it doesn't make me think I should. But, put it in the "mother" realm and I either take it as a challenge or become burdened by it. Why is that? I think it's because we somehow think our families deserve "it all" and that would make us (as the mother) the one to do "it all." The fact is, there are only 24 hours in a day. If you spend those hours scrubbing the grout with a toothbrush, you're not reading stories to your children. When you're reading to your children you're not scrapbooking. If you're scrapbooking you're not on the treadmill. If you're on the treadmill you're not redecorating the living room. Etc., etc. If you're doing one thing, by definition you're not doing another. And that's okay!

So while the root of the lie is in thinking that others do it all (which they don't) we are tempted to think that our families need it all (which they don't.) God sovereignly gave you to your husband as a wife, just as He brought Eve to Adam. God could've given your children to anyone in the world at any time in history, but He gave them to you. Here. Now. He gave you your family knowing your gifts, talents and interests (also given by Him.) And He did that, knowing their needs full well! Besides, to think that it's up to me to BE it all and do it all, sort of puts me in the place of God, right? Well, I've seen that job and I don't want it. (Not to mention the fact that I can't do it!)

As homeschooling mothers, we have taken on a ginormous task. It is filled with blessings beyond measure (some of which we won't see this side of heaven) but it is HUGE nonetheless. The fact is that in this season of taking on the full responsibility of educating our children, other things will have to go. For many of us it was a career that had to go. For others it was the tennis league. I've made exactly nine scrapbook pages ever because after homeschooling all week if I had to put any more stickers on any more paper or glue one more thing, I thought I might set my hair on fire and run down the street. (The point being, during this season I'm not scrapbooking!) Even those with a passion for cooking may need to put that on the back burner (ar, ar) for a time and make dishes that aren't so time consuming or expensive. Who knows? The fact is, you don't have to do it all. Especially all at one time.

No one does it all. I certainly don't. And thankfully I serve a God who doesn't expect me to.

Don't believe the lie!

Lie #4

**This is the fourth post in a series that I have been writing from the book Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe, by Todd Wilson. (If you haven't read my other posts on the topic, you can find them by clicking on the link in the label at the end of this post.) **

It's at this point in the year that you may be evaluating how your kids are doing in the curriculum you've been using, or you may be thinking through how you're going to get it all done before trying to take some sort of summer break. January and February are historically difficult times for most homeschool moms because there's a let-down after the holidays, no major "breaks" coming up (unless you count the Valentines Day Party- if a co-op or group you're in does one). Day after day you fight your kids' attitudes about their work, try to stay on some sort of schedule and every Friday you tell yourself, "Okay, next week will get better!" I, personally, have gotten so frustrated at times with my kids (well, mainly it was frustration with myself which I took out on them) that I have said such harsh things to them that I've thought, "If they went to school and a teacher talked to them this way I would yank them out of there so fast..." Part of the frustration, for me, is feeling like I'm falling short. Falling short of the wonderful plans I had back in August, short of what Susan Bauer does in the Well Trained Mind, short of what they're doing at the elementary school down the street, and certainly falling short compared to what the other homeschoolers I know are doing. That's because I have believed...

Lie #4- Everyone is more disciplined than you and more spiritual.

This one is a biggie.

I spoke at a homeschool association meeting in the fall, and had my lesson plan binder with me to show how I had it put together. As I was across the room talking with someone after the meeting, I looked up at the head table and saw some ladies flipping through my binder, pointing, and commenting. I will share with you that at that moment I would rather have been standing there in my swim suit than had people analyzing anything in my plan book... but that's another post for another day! Anyway, I got over there and they had been discussing our daily schedule that I had in the front. I have a lovely Excel spreadsheet, color-coded by activity and blocked off by segments of our day, mapping out an organized, orderly day in which everything-including chores and quiet times- gets done. My wise, funny friend cut right to the chase. She pointed at the schedule and asked, "How many days actually look like this???" I laughed and told her, "So far, one. So I quickly made a chart of it and preserved it in my computer!"

So many of the homeschooling books and articles we read set a standard that I have to wonder if the authors themselves even keep. There's one I love to read, but the author's children are now in school full time. Other moms appear to have it all together, mapped out, planned... but how many days actually look like that? But, like I said in Lie #1, does it really matter? Does that really have any bearing on my family at all?

And then there's the spiritual aspect of it. "Everyone's more spiritual than you." If "spiritual" means "speaks lovingly and softly to her children, reflecting a meek and quiet spirit," then I'm not spiritual at all! If "spiritual" means, "can quote extensive amounts of scripture, including the references" then I can just forget it. It's so easy to think that everyone is more "spiritual" than yourself... however you define spiritual.

I have a wise friend, who is a pastor's wife. When people come to her, struggling with disorder and angst in their lives, she always asks, "How are your quiet times lately?" That's an off-putting question to some, but I know what she means. I have seen a direct correlation to how my schedule, life, relationship with my kids, teaching, intimacy with my husband- all areas of my life- are functioning, and the consistency of my time in the Word and in prayer. But the reason to remedy this situation and begin increasing- even if only by a minute or two a day- time reading Scripture and praying is not because others or "more spiritual." It should be because I crave the relationship and fellowship with my Heavenly Father. Several years ago when I felt like everything was falling apart and my home was in complete disarray, I organized one thing: a quiet time notebook. I made one change: a quiet time, at some point, every single day (even if only for a few minutes). That one change brought about a snowball of changes in my life that you would not believe. How that would work in your life, I don't know, but I've seen it work in mine. But does that mean I'm more "spiritual" than you? Absolutely not! There's a difference in being inspired by what someone else does, and feeling condemned by what they do. Can you guess which one is a tool of the enemy?

All moms struggle with discipline and consistency, they just do. Even the most "spiritual" mom thinks others are more "spiritual" than her. Don't believe the lie!

Lie #3

This is the third post in a series that I have been writing from the book Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe, by Todd Wilson. (If you haven't read my other posts on the topic, you can find them by clicking on the link in the label at the end of this post.) I have looked forward to getting to this particular lie, because its one I have fallen for again and again, especially in recent weeks.

As we have entered the new year much has been posted in bloggyville regarding healthier cooking and eating. Last week's Works-for-me Wednesday was about eating well, and I happily posted about it on my other blog. I loved reading what others do to eat healthier! As I read the blogs in the CWO blogring, I get wonderful ideas every Monday when I read everyone's Menu Plan Monday posts, hosted by Laura the Organizing Junkie. I love seeing what everyone's cooking, and have printed out some great recipes. But, lately as I've been perusing the menu plans for the week, I have been falling prey to...

Lie #3: Everyone Fixes Better (Healthier) Meals Than You

My posts thus far in the series have not included quotes from Mr. Wilson's book, mainly because I want you to please get this book (it is awesome), and because my purpose is not to replicate the book chapters on a blog. But, this week I will be quoting from him because I love, love, LOVE what he has to say on this topic.

He addresses the fact that in recent years, especially in homeschooling circles, there has begun the belief that what you cook and how you feed your family is somehow tied to your spirituality or the quality of mother you are. What began as an honest attempt to help us become better stewards of our temples (bodies) and help our families do the same, seems to have become increasingly legalistic. More and more moms are talking about how they only eat organic food, feed their families only certain vegetables grown a certain way, grind their own wheat or bake everything from scratch to eliminate preservatives. I went to a Bible Study once where one mom was talking about the "holistic cleansing" she was doing, and that's just about all that was talked about the entire hour.

One of my very favorite quotes from this book is this: "Maybe you do these things that I have mentioned. If you do, that's great... BUT keep it to yourself (Romans 14). "

"Sadly, there are many moms who are scared to death that someone will find out that they buy Twinkies or serve cold cereals that turn the milk blue. They try changing their lifestyle and eating habits, but someone else is always out there to tell them they should be doing more. They go to bed feeling guilty, sure that they have failed their children, husband, and God. They believe THE LIE."

Sure, we should strive to eat healthier and to avoid gluttony, which is certainly a sin. But, there is not an imperative in Scripture that says you should only eat certain types of foods. (I know there are some books to the contrary.) For some, the quest to eat healthy and perhaps even be known for their superior eating habits has become an idol in and of itself, and even a source of pride. I was at a homeschool meeting a few years ago where organic/whole foods, vitamins and supplements were the topic for the evening, and I remember skulking out of there at the end of the meeting thinking about the fried, hormone-laden, solution-injected chicken nuggets I had fed my family that night. It's not that it wasn't an appropriate meeting topic, or that there's not valuable information to be had regarding nutrition, but it must be kept in perspective and not touted as anything other than a choice, preference, or personal conviction. It's certainly not a commentary on one's spiritual standing or as Wilson puts it, a "measure of godliness."

I'll close with his wise words:
"You're a busy homeschooling mom and can't do it all. If you have to buy TV dinners to keep your sanity, then that's OK. You're OK, and lots of other homeschooling moms do the same."

Amen.

Lie #2

What would you do if your doorbell rang right now? (Go have one of your kids ring it, just for effect...) What if one of your kids looked out the front window and said, "Hey Mom, Mrs. So-and-so just pulled up in front of our house!" (Have one of them do this right now, just for kicks...)

OR- what if I called you from my car and said I was in the neighborhood and I'd be stopping by in the next 5 minutes, because I have this great book I wanted to drop off for you to take a look at. Don't worry, I'm just popping in for a second! See you in a few!

Did your chest get a little tighter just thinking about it? Did your eyes just dart around the room noticing the piles? Did your mind's eye just venture to the entryway, leading into the living room and visualize what a visitor would see... and cringe?

If you're like me, you'd dash around the house while calling out commands to the kids:

"Pick your stuff up off of the stairs!"
"Quick, put the dogs outside!"
"WHO left this on the couch??"
"Someone go make sure the downstairs toilet is flushed!"
"Oh, my GOSH, look at the living room floor!"
"Hoist the mainstay!"
"Swap the poopdeck!"
"This isn't a museum, people, let's MOVE!" (:::channeling "E.R."::::)

And why is that? Because, you may believe...

Lie #2: Everyone Else's House is Cleaner Than Yours

Why do we think that? We've been to friends' houses and to us, it looks perfect. Or maybe it was perfect. Nevermind that she was still breathing hard when you got there, from hurriedly getting it cleaned up before you arrived...

I remember a couple of years ago my dear father-in-law stopped by for a visit. He was sitting in our living room enjoying a nice glass of iced tea, contentedly looking around. Finally he said, "Cyndi, you have such a nice home. It is really beautiful." I was in the midst of smiling modestly and graciously when my sweet son piped up and said, "You should have seen her when you called and said you were coming! She said, 'Kids! Quick! Clean up the house! Grandpa's coming!' She was freaking out! "

:::sigh:::

The truth is, we live in a home... with kids. Not only that, but our kids go to school here as well. When I first started homeschooling, I thought about how when I had taught public school, we all left the building by 4:00-ish and then the cleaning staff came. The next morning the restrooms were alway nice, fresh-smelling and scrubbed. My boards were clean, the trashcans were empty, the cafeteria tables and kitchen were clean and ready. The hallways were shiny and polished each morning. How does this happen in schools across America? Besides the fact that there's a whole separate STAFF assigned to that job, it happens because for a few hours every single day, everyone vacates the premises and the staff restores things to their original, upright positions. While the kids are creating disorder in another environment (home) the environment in which they created disorder all day (school) is being set back in order! But for homeschoolers, it all happens here. And it doesn't have to look like it doesn't.

I don't know about you, but I don't have a cleaning staff. We don't leave while the cleaning staff sets things back in order. We are here creating the messes, and then somewhere built into our life we set about cleaning up the messes. There's almost never a time in our day-to-day life when it's all done and perfect. We are always somewhere in the creating messes-cleaning up cycle when the doorbell rings. We just are. And so are you. So are all of us.

Awhile back my daughter said, "Mom, I'm so glad we don't have the kind of house where there are certain towels we can't use." I knew what she meant- guest towels. We certainly don't have any of those! But in my mind I thought, "Oh, honey, there certainly are towels you shouldn't use! If it's so stiff and dirty you can't dry your hands on it... don't use it!" (Sometimes we forget to change out the towels in the downstairs half-bath. Ick.) But I loved what she was saying... that she's comfortable. And that's what I want for my kids. I don't know anyone who grew up in a perfect, neat-as-a-pin-all-the-time house and really has fond memories of it. Or really has fond memories of their mother! I want my kids to enjoy living here, feel comfortable in our home, and enjoy their mom in the process. I've been looking for balance in this area for years, because having the perfectly set-in-order house can become an area of bondage for me if I let it.

SO, if you are reading this completely aware of the messes in your house, but picturing mine being serene, orderly, perfectly-decorated and smelling like Pine-sol, stop believing the lie! And if you are sitting there serenely, in your orderly house which does smell like Pine-sol, enjoy it. It may not last long... ;)

Lie #1

Has it really been a week since I posted on this blog? My, how time flies. All week I've wanted to write about what's been on my heart for the past few months. Back in August, I stumbled upon Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe, by Todd Wilson, a homeschooling Dad. This book did for me what Nancy Leigh DeMoss's book, Lies Women Believe did. It revealed some erroneous thoughts (which are actually lies that I had begun to believe over the years, maybe not even consciously) which had become beliefs and were shaping the way I felt and acted. I highly recommend both of these books, and am thinking of buying a bunch of Wilson's books to give some of my homeschooling friends this year for their birthdays. It has been so freeing to recognize some of these thoughts as "lies" and "take them captive" to Christ.

I thought I would start the new year by writing a post each week about one of the lies that he highlights in his book, and posting my thoughts about that particular lie. He has some excellent insights in the book, and as a former pastor and a writer, his thoughts and writing are much more eloquent than mine, so I in no way intend to replicate the book here on my lil' ole blog. But, I thought it would be good for those who read here (me incuded!) to think through each of the lies. I'd also love to know what you think!

Lie #1: Everyone else’s kids are better than yours.

I know I have struggled with this particular lie before. How about you? I’ll be rocking along in my school year, thinking we’re doing pretty well, until I sit at gymnastics with another homeschool mom. We make casual conversation and she tells me how their school year’s going and what her kids are learning. Her toddler is sitting beside her, eating a healthy snack of carrots and water while playing with math flashcards. She just dropped another child off at strings ensemble. Her older child is nearby on his laptop writing a paper on the latest classic novel he’s read. Instantly, I’m dead in the water. “I haven't taught my kids that.” “My child can’t play that instrument.” “My kids could never learn that language.” “We haven’t fed the homeless yet this week, either!” Ack!!

Ironically, as you are reading this thinking to yourself, “Yeah, I’ve met her… I’ve felt that way before… Whew! I could never be that mom. My kids could never be those kids,” chances are, in someone else’s eyes, your family IS that family! Isn’t that funny how that works? I think on some level we are always looking sideways at each other, imagining that each other’s kids are somehow “better” than our own.

The fact is, the perfect kids don’t exist, in anyone’s home. Each marriage is composed of two sinners, and the number of kids they have is the number of sinners in their homeschool each day. Period. We are all struggling, we are all imperfect. On any given day, we are comparing our known worst (because we live with ourselves and our children and we KNOW what goes on) to their perceived best (because we can only perceive momentarily, then our tendency is to project the perfect “snapshot” we saw at that moment into what must be every minute of every day at their house.) It’s just not the truth. And we are to think on truth.

So, first of all we must confront that particular lie with the truth: no family is perfect.

But, that doesn’t get to the heart of the lie in my opinion. So what if we know that everyone else’s kids are NOT better than ours. What if everyone else’s kids were functioning at exactly the same level, or even lower, as your kids? What if they had the same number, or fewer, talents? What if they [gasp!] weren’t as cute as your kids, either? Would that make you feel better? Then, you’ve still got a problem. The problem is… comparison. The truth is, their kids, and yours and mine, are exactly the kids that God created them to be. No more, no less. No amount of what I do at home makes my kids any more than God created them to be. We are not powerful enough to diminish them into less than God means them to be, either, for that matter. We are to nurture them according to their particular, God-given “bent.” To think that other kids are “better,” or that if I just worked harder my kids could be “better” is to foster the lie that I have that much power, or to believe the lie that it reflects on me instead of Him. Besides, better at what? Better than whom? What is better? And who measures “better” anyway?? If my kid was standing there speaking French and her kid was picking his nose, would that make me feel better? Can you say… “pride?”

I’m wondering if part of our comparison is a product of growing up in traditional school, where there seems to be constant comparison. Maybe if enough generations are free from such a system, the mindset of constant comparison will diminish. I don’t know.

If we need to believe that they are imperfect in order to feel better about ourselves and our own children, we have still not dealt with the comparison issue, we’ve simply reduced the gap to something we can live with. But the root of the lie is still there: that the condition of someone else’s family has some degree of bearing on the standing of my family. That’s simply not true. For example, I sent out some nice Christmas cards this year, a nice family portrait with a nice border. I was pleased with them, and I sent them. The same week, I received two cards from two of my crafty friends who had handmade their cards with the embossed ink, beautiful ribbons and gorgeous cardstock. Did that diminish what I had sent? Not at all. I could’ve instantly wished I would’ve created handmade cards and been ashamed of my 1-hour Walmart photo cards, but what a wasted emotion that would’ve been. And if their cards somehow motivate me to spend hours next year stamping and heat-drying cards for hours and hours when that’s not even something I enjoy or have a talent for, then there’s wasted time and energy involved as well. The time they spent doing that, I was doing something else.

God gave your children to you, not me. He gave my children to me, not you. They have exactly the mom, family, home, and homeschool teacher they were divinely meant to have. What’s “better” is to be free from comparison at all, on any level. At best it encourages insecurity and at worst it fosters pride. I’m not sure it will be possible to be completely free from it as long as we live on this planet in our fallen human skin and in our current comparison-driven culture, but it should be our goal. We should compare ourselves with Christ, see the gap, and work our whole lives in the power of the Holy Spirit to close that gap until we see Jesus face-to-face in our finally-perfected faith. The same goes for our kids.

If we would all do a little less looking side-to-side and spend more time looking up, we wouldn’t need to worry about who’s “better” at all. How we stand before others is NOT what matters. How we stand before Christ does. We are who He says we are, by His grace.

So, keep looking up... and don't believe the lie!

Next week, we'll confront Lie #2. Until then, I'd love to know your thoughts...